Must get rain or else

The pressure is getting too much here. Came down this afternoon with a borrowed generator in hopes that I can operate it and pump some of what little water I have left to save the trees. I'm getting older and weaker. It seems weather is getting hotter and drier, and the oasis infrastructure is worn out. I don't think when my late husband and I built the place 25 years ago we were thinking it would last this long. I don't know what we were thinking. I don't think we were thinking. Just playing. Building the oasis was our play. And now it's my burden.

I do nothing but slave away at it when I'm not taking care of my husband in town. A few days ago I treated myself to a couple of visits to the Post Park in Marathon to see a rare bird. It was so much fun. I had forgotten what fun was. And I think, "is this how I want to spend the remainder of my life? Fighting a losing battle?"

Here's my beleaguered cottonwood tree. When the drip stopped working for several days before I discovered it, it dropped at least half its leaves. That means it has less ability to cool itself from the scorching heat.

At this point, if it cooled off and rained the tree would survive. But that's not going to happen. It's a bad idea to try to grow a cottonwood where it doesn't belong. I'm trying to come to terms with losing it. I can accept it if it dies in spite of my best efforts.  But I can't bring myself to stop watering it and assure its death, even though the water would be better spent on things with more chance of surviving.

I don't even know how I got into this dire situation. I thought having the new tank would ensure plenty of water to make it through, so I didn't ration. And I guess the bigger the trees get the more they need. Then last winter I left a drip on that froze and I lost about 10,000 gallons. Then this year no rain, and heat like we had in 2011 when I bought and hauled water for a year. That's not an option now. So this is where I'm at. If we get summer rains some things should survive. And I'll always have my seed feeders and hummingbird feeders for the birds. And I should always have enough water for the wildlife to drink. At least most of the time anyway. May have to settle for that. And like a friend reminded me, if I don't do this, what would I do?

When I was younger I saw life, and the oasis, as getting better and better. I never faced the cold hard reality that I would not live forever and when I went downhill, the oasis would go downhill. I guess ignorance was bliss. We all end up the same, of course. And nothing is gained by dwelling on it. But I am having to make some paradigm shifts here.

Almost every May and June are dire here. I think realistically, the worst that will happen is I'll lose the cottonwood. And that would probably be for the best as far as reducing my stress. I hope the electrician comes Monday and fixes the electrical problem.

UPDATE: My husband didn't get a covid test but he went to the doctor and was put on antibiotics for a testicular infection. The antibiotics are helping, so that takes some of the burden off me. Three more cases of covid in Brewster County. It's coming. We need to keep our guard up.